Lisa Beasley’s Non-Negotiable Request for Reparations

reparationsDear United States Government,

How you doing? Don’t care.

Look, I came across this article and not that you care, but here’s a list of how I’d like to be repaid for hundreds and hundreds of years of torture, the lynching of my ancestors, systemic oppression, subtle racism, overt racism, unwarranted police brutality, the tossing into the trash of every application with the name Jamal, literal and figurative doors not being opened for me, blackface, racial profiling, wage gaps, videos of grown men in police uniforms killing CHILDREN haunting me in my sleep, being hosed down while attacked by dogs, not being able to SIT DOWN AND EAT FOOD or DRINK WATER and finally, the level of mediocrity you’ve entertained from millions of basic white men who were allowed to control major companies, make decisions about women’s bodies, and be in charge of things – just cause.

Yeah, America you effed up pretty bad.

Wait! Before you reluctantly throw me 40 acres and a mule, I’d actually like to make a few non-negotiable requests all of equal importance.

  1. Reparations for each individual African-American should be personalized.
  1. Apologize to me. Personally, I’d like you to assign 40 of the straightest whitest males between the ages of 75 and 100 (preferably Republicans each representing a year that the Israelites wandered in the desert) to apologize to me on behalf of you, the government. Show up to my house bright and early dressed in black hoodies and Obama 2008 election apparel ready to deliver.
  1. Should my daughter choose to bless the corporate world with her beautiful, smart black woman vibes, I’d like to request that she can walk in anybody’s office, point at a white man and say “you get up, this is my job now.”
  1. Sentence anybody that has produced a “how to make a noose” youtube video TO LIFE IN JAIL
  1. Free therapy for life.
  1. Hire someone to walk five feet ahead of me to intercept anything I find triggering.
  1. Make “Black Woman Appreciation Quarter” an official holiday where the country celebrates black women October 1 – December 31.
  1. Make February White History Month and give us Black History Decade.
  1. Give my daughter all-expense-paid trips to anywhere in the world so she can find herself WHENEVER she needs to.
  1. Ban straight blonde pixie haircuts in the workplace. I find the way hair naturally grows out of a white person’s scalp distracting and aggressive.
  1. Give me 15 million dollars to invest in my daughter’s ideas no matter how silly they are.
  1. Free water, free gas, free electricity, free cable and internet, free Hulu, free Netflix, free Amazon Prime, free Amazon Prime Now, free Spotify Premium, free Apple Music, and don’t you ever try to force me to listen to U2.
  1. Buy everybody I love two houses.
  1. Declare Donald Trump brain dead.
  1. I get to get up and leave work AND go home AND take a black nap whenever I want to without running it past anybody.
  1. Find the bones of my ancestors. Don’t dig them up though. Figure it out.
  1. Do the math in my head for me.
  1. I need lifetime supply of Soothe 90 min massage credits and flesh tone bandaids for black people.
  1. Sage the government.
  1. People who hate tweet black women should be federally investigated and punished.
  1. Create a number for me to text whenever I want to add something to this list. OR I should just be able to yell my request in the air. I know you’re always listening anyway.


While you are working on making this happen can you also do something about THIS ONGOING DONALD TRUMP LEAD PROBLEM IN PREDOMINATELY BLACK NEIGHBORHOODS THAT’S POISONING OUR CHILDREN!???


You’re Welcome



  1. Keith Clark says:

    Amen and amen again.

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