I have a highly over-active imagination that is heavily influenced by TNT, the gurus of “we know drama”. So it’s no wonder that when I wandered into the halls of the Markham, IL courthouse, I immediately began to concoct a scenario in which I was really there because I witnessed John Doe kidnap Jane Doe, throw her in the trunk of his car, and flung her into the woods, where her body was discovered five months later. (I know right). Anything to get me through inconvenient courtroom appearance because I was doing 45 in a 30. Everybody does 45 in 30s. I am just the one that got caught.
I was leaving a friend’s house and we had just gotten into an argument so for dramatic effect, I sped off. Actually I “sped off” all the way home and got pulled over by the po po. Great. I would have rather just taken a ticket. But see what had happened was I accidentally left my like-a-good-neighbor proof of insurance. So I instantly started singing State Farm’s jingle to see if my agent would appear in my backseat like they do in the commercials. She didn’t. So I got the court date.
Now I missed my first court date because I overslept so now, two months after the original offense, I am here in a room full of potential felons.
I’ve been practicing my oath like what I’ve seen on Law & Order. I should have brought that sound effect so it can “ding” right after they call my name. Dramatic much?
I think appearing in court for a traffic violation is so trivial.
Right now I’m envisioning my conversation with the judge:
Judge: Do you know why you are here?
Me: 45 in a 30
Judge: Do you have proof of insurance?
Me: *singing while pulling out card* Like a good neighbor…
As I reach for my insurance card the police officer makes a beeline for me as he instinctually (is that a word?) gets ready to tackle me for drawing a weapon.
Me: Whoa dude come on man, really man? Whoa
Police: oh my bad
Judge: Why were you speeding?
Me: My left foot was pushing down on the gas hard enough to make my car go faster.
Judge: Why did you miss your first court date?
Judge: Are you telling the truth?
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Me cont’d: Judge we live in a world with walls and those walls need to be protected by women like me. Who’s gonna do it? You!? you!? Santiago’s death while grotesque and tragic probably saved lives! I have responsibility greater than you can possibly fathom. You live under the very blanket of freedom that I provide. I would rather you just day thank you and be on your way or pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way I don’t give a dam….
Judge: Did you or did you not see the speeding limit sign
Me: YOU’RE DARN RIGHT I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Judge: ok cool here’s your ticket
Me: thanks man, you have a good day
See, these are the things I think about while waiting in waiting-room like atmospheres to keep myself amused.
This courtroom is packed and I feel like I am going to be here for flippin’ ever.
All because of some idiot who made me mad two months ago that I don’t even talk to anymore.
And yes, I have the final scene of A Few Good Men memorized.
(This post was written in real-time while waiting for my case for a silly traffic violation at 9am)
Me: Good morning your honor
Judge: Good morning blah blah blah legal big words traffic yadda yadda. Insurance?
Me: I have insurance (showed guy insurance card)
Judge: Why were you doing 45 in a 30
Me: I was speeding. I am guilty
Judge: Yadda yadda fine year to pay
Me: Cool thanks. Have a good day
Judge: You too .
So that’s my court room drama. I’m thinking about selling the story to Memphis Beat.